what is loneliness

i don't know what makes some days better than others.
sometimes i'm able to deal with the fact that i'm alone
(but those time i don't ever remember or look back on because they aren't memorable)
it's the times when my feelings of loneliness are so intense that i can hardly focus or function that grab hold me me and my memories.


am i really alone?

i think so.


right now i'm dealing with it.
i'm not overcome with any strong emotions.
what makes right now different than a time when i might feel excruciatingly empty?

----------------
Now playing: Evan Rachel Wood - If I Fell
via FoxyTunes

The Beatles: Blackbird

Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise
Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these sunken eyes and learn to see
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to be free.

Blackbird fly, Blackbird fly
Into the light of the dark black night.

Blackbird fly, Blackbird fly
Into the light of the dark black night.

Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise,oh
You were only waiting for this moment to arise, oh
You were only waiting for this moment to arise

----------------
Now playing: Evan Rachel Wood - Black Bird
via FoxyTunes

bigger than my body

something that i constantly worry about is that no one actually knows me.
the real me.
why i live, and why i breathe.

it's hard though. it's complicated. i'm complicated. not to say that i'm more intelligent or more profound than anyone else, or that anything i say or do is too complex for someone to grasp. i don't know what makes me so complicated, maybe i'm not. i could be lying to myself so it's easier to deal with feeling alone.

deep within, i know there is something beautiful. it desperately wants to be heard and known... but most of all understood.
i don't even know if that's possible though. i fear i may be asking for too much

maybe the problem is that i don't even know myself. i want to be something that i'm not, so when people see the real me i don't accept it. i want to be something more.
is it possible?
can i be something that i'm not?
if i feel this way, how can it not be true.

these feelings must be true to who i am because i am being true to myself.
how can i not be myself. it's not possible.
everything i do and say and believe is who i am
everything i do and say and believe is me.
everything i do and say and believe makes me whole.

and yet i feel empty.
constantly.
consistently.
alone.