friends?

(fair warning... this isn't very deep, but it's where my mind is right now. so you might get bored.)


i've been feeling detached and alone in the world lately.
i've also felt detached from my 2 closest friends (one more than the other)
... and i've allowed it to continue b/c i've been hurt by and upset with her.

the two of them are all i have in terms of community and people that care about me.
... and i feel like she doesn't care anymore.

she said something to me in the car a few days ago to the effect of she wasn't sure that my depression was real. she thought that it was my just wanting her to ask me what's wrong.
in other words i just want some attention.
she said she didn't mean it like that, but no matter what... it still hurt me.

also she's been hanging out a lot with the guy that i've been crazy about for over a year.
i sent her a text message a few weeks ago saying that i felt like i had to like this other guy (who i had a crush on for a little while) to realize that he wasn't right for me and that when i ran into him (this one time) that i didn't feel anything.
after i sent this text message she started talking about seeing him and hanging out with him more and more... and she talks about how flirty he is.

i can say one of two things about all of this
1) he's her friend and i can't/would never ask her to not hang out with a friend... but i know how flirty he is and how flirty she can be (one time last year i had to ask her to stop flirting and touching him). thinking about and seeing it hurts me.
i'm not over him.
i liked him SO MUCH.
i've never liked anyone who haven't dated that much.
i wanted to be with him and be close to him.
realizing that he would never liked me killed me.
... and made me put up a wall where i "got over him"

i know we're different people and they are different situations... but (long story short) last year she really liked a guy who didn't like her and in the end he hurt her really badly. i would NEVER hand out with him in the way that she is with the guy i like(d) b/c i would be so worried that it would hurt her.
... and i would never do anything that i thought would hurt her.

2) she likes him.
which would actually make me feel a little bit better about the situation.
but if she does i would hope that she would come to me and tell me before all of this.

it's my birthday

21 is supposed to be a big one... right?

then why am i not more excited?

it's just another day
in my slightly depressed world
surrounded by people
but still alone

and i have an exam in less than 12 hours... ick

but i do have a drink with dinner to look forward too
veggie burger, texas martini, and fried ice cream. yum!

missing pieces

i am a Christian.

that (not so) simple statement shapes people's perceptions of me.
automatically a switch flips and no matter what they knew of me before i am clumped in with their preconceived ideas and stereotypes that go along with my faith.

those ideas deal with the temporal
and my faith is so much more
it transcends anything earthly

my faith is such a huge part of my life.
it shapes who i am.
it is the basis of my beliefs.
... and yet i feel like i've only truly connected with one person
and he's Buddhist.
our souls connected
right from the start
in a way that i've never experienced with anyone else

i would think that i would be able to (or could be able to) connect with other Christians

but i've never connected spiritually the way that we have with anyone else.
never even come close.

maybe that means that the stereotypes are true

i am more alone than i ever realized... how is that possible?

what is loneliness

i don't know what makes some days better than others.
sometimes i'm able to deal with the fact that i'm alone
(but those time i don't ever remember or look back on because they aren't memorable)
it's the times when my feelings of loneliness are so intense that i can hardly focus or function that grab hold me me and my memories.


am i really alone?

i think so.


right now i'm dealing with it.
i'm not overcome with any strong emotions.
what makes right now different than a time when i might feel excruciatingly empty?

----------------
Now playing: Evan Rachel Wood - If I Fell
via FoxyTunes

The Beatles: Blackbird

Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise
Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these sunken eyes and learn to see
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to be free.

Blackbird fly, Blackbird fly
Into the light of the dark black night.

Blackbird fly, Blackbird fly
Into the light of the dark black night.

Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise,oh
You were only waiting for this moment to arise, oh
You were only waiting for this moment to arise

----------------
Now playing: Evan Rachel Wood - Black Bird
via FoxyTunes

bigger than my body

something that i constantly worry about is that no one actually knows me.
the real me.
why i live, and why i breathe.

it's hard though. it's complicated. i'm complicated. not to say that i'm more intelligent or more profound than anyone else, or that anything i say or do is too complex for someone to grasp. i don't know what makes me so complicated, maybe i'm not. i could be lying to myself so it's easier to deal with feeling alone.

deep within, i know there is something beautiful. it desperately wants to be heard and known... but most of all understood.
i don't even know if that's possible though. i fear i may be asking for too much

maybe the problem is that i don't even know myself. i want to be something that i'm not, so when people see the real me i don't accept it. i want to be something more.
is it possible?
can i be something that i'm not?
if i feel this way, how can it not be true.

these feelings must be true to who i am because i am being true to myself.
how can i not be myself. it's not possible.
everything i do and say and believe is who i am
everything i do and say and believe is me.
everything i do and say and believe makes me whole.

and yet i feel empty.
constantly.
consistently.
alone.